Resting in Agony

He asked me to call him “Sorrowful.” He could hardly move, his body ravaged by the months of chemotherapy. He looked 20 years older than he should—he was only 54. His deep blue eyes were now sunken and gray. I had the sense that he had once held a commanding presence but now he was piles of loosen skin and cracking bones. He was crumpled to the side of his bed, having no energy to move or adjust his position.

We sat and talked for a bit. He told me about his life. He had conquered addictions, survived suicide attempts, loved and lost. We cried together and laughed together. I held his hand.

And then he began. He began to weep. Tears that brought his head low in grief and sorrow, fear and pain. Are you ready to die? We both knew this was the inevitable end to an assault that had ransacked his body and trampled his soul.

As the tears welled up in his eyes, spilling over on to his cheeks he said, “How can God love me? I’ve been told what God thinks of people like me.”

“People like you?” I respond, frightened of where this will go.

“I’ve loved. I’ve loved deeply but I have only loved other men. I know what people say about God loving gays… He doesn’t!”

And he sobs. His tears shake the world; they are not silent drops. They clatter to the floor.

Silence.

I hear myself breathing.

I lean forward. I feel broken. I say, “God loves you. Not for how you live, but for who you are. God loves those who choose to love differently. God loves you, deeply.”

Through the shroud of tears he looks up at me. His eyes penetrate my existence. He sees through me. I am certain that my words are not hollow. They are reliable, true and authentic. The tears stop and in a tone of utter disbelief and astonishment he pleadingly asks, “He does?”

God loves you…

Salvation does not save us from heaven or hell. Salvation saves us from the agony of our fears, the desperation of our reality. Salvation saves us from ourselves. God saves us in our deepest groaning. We are no longer consumed by our reality, we are free—free to linger, free to yearn and free to be loved.

For I will turn their mourning into joy
And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13b

Cold Coffee

The coffee I served him was hot. He never had the chance to drink it. He lost her. He cried and walked away.

I saw that same cup of coffee hours later. It remained untouched. It was cold. I thought about tossing the cup… but I simply walked away.